Bur for television my novel would have been finished in 2006. The prevaricators dream really hasn't helped my creative endeavours. Or has it?
I love TV, let's get that straight. I designate it as my top hobby, way above repeatedly playing E chords on my guitar (it's the only one that doesn't sound like somebody cycling over a violin) and thumping golf balls into bushes, copses and the occasional greenskeeper.
The problem is that it makes me mad. Sweary, shouty, slap-myself-in-the-forehead-and-scare-the-cat-across-the-room crazy. I often gape, slack-jawed at what I'm witnessing. What's worse is that I've started deliberately watching programmes that are sure to induce this response. I sometimes even SKY+ them. I have stopped recommending good shows to friends, instead saying things like 'Coming Of Age. BBC 3. Watch it, you'll die inside.'
Do other viewers react like this too? At Old Trafford, you can often see 76,000 people with their head in their hands as Berbatov puts a shot wide. But would they do the same if they were watching ITV's All Star Impression Show and Chesney Hawkes appeared, playing Prince William? (I was actually going to create a blog called 'ITV's All Star Impression Show: What Was All That About?' but thought I might run out of material after two or three years. It's on YouTube by the way so watch it. You'll die inside.)
So why am I committing all of these thoughts to paper? Well not paper. Unless you print blogs out and if that's the case, you may be a more of a tragic case than I am. Ostensibly, it's a release valve and an attempt to avoid some of my more unreasonable outbursts:
"SOMEBODY WROTE THIS! IT HAD A WRITER. LOOK THAT'S HIS NAME. THERE! THERE ON THE CREDITS. ARGGH."
My new plan is to calmly log the person's name, blog about their show then prepare a death threat. That's a joke by the way; I know that nobody goes out of their way to produce bad television. It's just that some of the shows seem to be so lazily produced and clichéd and poorly directed and badly scripted and...BREATHE...
OK, I'm back. Sorry about that. Now before we contine, I must also declare an interest, a piece of information that may colour your view of this rant. You might have guessed already but I am a frustrated writer. I've written and directed for the stage but my scripts and ideas for TV have been rebuffed. Luckily, I'm not bitter. Those £"!*&%$£ just don't know what they're missing, that's all. Do they? DO THEY?
What I've learned while writing Spotted, is that television - whether good or bad - has been a massive influece on my creative process. Hopefully I have channeled a lifetime of viewing into one funny, well paced (bestselling) novel. I try and inject humour into every scene and end each one with a mini cliffhanger; all to keep the reader engaged and entertained. I also play heavily on pop culture references; who would have guessed I was watching a lot of Community at the time?
Ultimately, I would love to adapt the book for the screen but for now, I will concentrate on getting it published first. If you have any advice regarding this, please feel free to comment below!
I'm heading off to my first love now; getting ready for the next match of Euro 2012. Uncscripted, exciting and completely unpredictable; football is PERFECT telly.
